Triggered:  Understanding Warning Signs of PTSD

By Anna Raab, Abundant Living Neurofeedback and Counseling

“I’m so triggered!” is a statement I started hearing my teenagers say a couple years ago, usually in a joking manner.  However, PTSD is no laughing matter and affects many people who aren’t even aware that their symptoms are trauma related.  In addition, many people do not know that the onset of PTSD can occur within a few months or even years after a traumatic event, which can make it very difficult for individuals to pinpoint.

As a result, patients may present with severe anxiety, depression, attention or sleep issues and not even relate these issues to the original trauma.  I have had many patients present with these types of issues only to discover that they are actually part of a syndrome perpetuated by a traumatic, or series of traumatic events.

Traumatic events that lead to PTSD are typically events that instill a sense of intense fear, helplessness, or terror.  Moreover, PTSD can be caused by witnessing such an event happening to another person and in some cases simply by hearing about such an event occurring.  In the context of our modern world, with endless news about violence and murder, I believe this is a more widespread problem than has been previously understood.

I have treated many patients who were first hand victims, but I have also treated multiple people who developed PTSD by merely being exposed to the knowledge of trauma.  Not surprisingly, none of the individuals were aware of the root cause until we began to track the onset of traumatic symptoms and frequent triggers.

So, what are the symptoms of PTSD?  Many of the symptoms may be surprising and seemingly unrelated.   You or a loved one may be affected and unaware.  For instance, physical pain can be a symptom of PTSD.  Headaches, digestive Issues, physical pain and a weakened immune system can all be warning signs.  More common are issues of hyper-arousal, which include insomnia, edginess, being easily startled, panic attacks, or generally finding it impossible to relax. Having excessive emotions, angry, irritable outbursts, or being emotionally shut down are also symptomatic.

Some people may begin to avoid any semblance of places or people who consciously or subconsciously remind them of trauma.  They may have generalized anxiety, depression or guilt that do not seem to connect to their actual life. Others may have overwhelming obsessive thoughts, not only of trauma happening to them but even seeing themselves become perpetrators of things they’ve seen or witnessed.

Memory problems are extremely common, not only having gaps in memory but developing general, wide-spread memory lapses.  Many of these symptoms can lead to severe attention deficits that are often misdiagnosed.  Sadly, some people turn to addictive behaviors to try to self-regulate and may find themselves completely out of control.

If you recognize yourself or a loved one in this article, please reach out.  I have helped so many people who have become captive to a traumatized brain. You don’t have to be captive any longer.

The Anxiety Epidemic: The Syndrome of Uncertainty

World renowned life coach Tony Robbins believes that the need for certainty is our number one human need.  “Certainty is our need to feel in control and to know what’s coming next.”  I found it very interesting that certainty is the antonym of anxiety, along with words like assurance, security, trust, and peace.

On the other hand, synonymous with anxiety is uncertainty, distress, nervousness, and restlessness.  Although he also lists uncertainty as a human need in its own right, I thought it noteworthy to correlate our need for certainty with an ever-growing epidemic of anxiety in a world of ever-increasing uncertainty.

With this said, over 18% of the population is in fact suffering from an anxiety disorder at any given time, with twice as many women affected as men, it is the most common mental illness.  And, although it is highly treatable, the vast majority of sufferers never seek professional help.

My desire in writing this article is to help you identify if you or someone you know may be suffering from an anxiety disorder that may be presenting in one or more of the following ways:

Most commonly, we associate anxiety disorders with excessive worry or fear.  In many cases these issues present at face value in the form of panic attacks or even flash backs of fearful events. These types of issues are definitely the most common and easy to identify, but even worry and fear can present in ways that one may not readily view as anxiety.

For instance, many of my clients present with irrational fears.  They may not even see themselves as anxious individuals but may suffer terribly from irrational thoughts that over which they seemingly have no control.

Often, we find these irrational fears are in fact a flair, of sorts, of an underlying anxiety that has formed itself around an available object or idea.  Compulsive behaviors are closely related, as they can irrationally center around an object or idea that is merely a projection of the underlying anxiety. Another example of anxiety’s expression is self-doubt.

When I have clients, who are constantly distracted by what others are thinking about them or their abilities, they may not automatically attribute this to anxiety but it is in fact the fear of what other people think or perceive that has nestled in as the over-arching ache of social anxiety.  In addition, clients may feel restless, edgy, or irritable.

These are not common descriptors for what one may call anxious, but at times can serve as the number one indicator of anxiety in some individuals.  Still others may even present with difficulty concentrating or simply blanking out and wrongly believe they are having issues with attention or cognition, when in reality their mind is so overwhelmed they are losing the ability to concentrate in leu of the noise.

Other manifestations that can be evidence of anxiety disorders are largely physical.  Sleep disorders, excessive muscle tension, chronic indigestion and stomach issues, along with physical pain and fatigue may all signal anxiety is at work.  Many individuals are merely treating the physical symptoms all while missing the underlying cause.

The great news is that there is hope for healing. At Abundant Living we have consistently helped individuals escape the epidemic and find a more joyful and contented life.  If you or someone you know is suffering, don’t become a statistic.  Reach out and let us take you by the hand.

The wonderful news is, however, that there is help!

Depression

By Anna R. Raab, M.A., BCN
Owner and Director of Abundant Living Neurofeedback and Counseling

Depression can be very misunderstood and even difficult to diagnose.  We’ve all seen the commercials of someone sitting on the side of their bed, crying, unable to start their day and in pain… but that represents a more extreme form of clinical depression.  Many people, however, function with depression every day- almost 7 percent of adults in America at any given time.

They aren’t all sitting on the side of their bed crying.  Many are sitting in the cubicle next you, sitting across the room at the coffee shop, sitting with their kids at the park, oftentimes looking and acting perfectly normal. It’s what’s going on in the inside that you can’t see, and sometimes they don’t even realize it themselves.

When I describe depression to my clients I commonly compare it to having a negative filter.  It’s like there is a funnel and all your thoughts pass through that funnel and come out with less color, less excitement, less optimism, and in more severe cases they come out covered in darkness and hopelessness.  It’s like there is a dial in your brain and the volume to pleasure is simply turned down.

So, what can this look like? Let me help you by guiding you through some food for thought on the subject.  And don’t worry, if you find yourself or someone you love in these descriptions there is help.

If you think you or someone you love may be suffering from depression, here’s a check list of sorts:

1. You might notice that the things you used to get excited about just don’t seem interesting anymore.  You don’t really feel like going out with friends or interacting with people the way you used to.  If you do, you may feel like you have to work really hard in order to fake your way through much of the interactions in order to hide your actual lack of interest.

2. Depression may look like exhaustion.  You may get plenty of sleep, even too much, but you don’t ever feel rested or energized (other physical issues might explain this also so be sure to get checked out by your doctor as well).  You may also be exhausted and not be able to sleep much at all.

3. You may be overrun by pervasive thoughts of negativity.  Often, these thoughts are turned on yourself.  You may be feeling really self-critical and down on yourself most of the time, like nothing you do is ever good enough.  You may also be turning this negativity onto the people close to you.  You may assume negative intentions or motivations in others where there may actually be none at all.  As a result, you may find yourself getting angry and frustrated quite easily and increasingly hard to please.

4.  Depression can look like brain fog.  You may be asking yourself if you’ve suddenly developed ADD.  Unlike your usual self, you may be unable to finish projects, make a simple grocery list, or focus at work.  The world may seem like it’s swirling around you in what appears to be a fog you can’t seem to quite cut through.

5.  Finally, depression can look like exactly like the depictions in that commercial.  You may not be able to get out of bed easily or at all, you may be sad and crying over things that shouldn’t be so heavy, or worst of all you may feel totally hopeless.

You may even be considering ending your pain through suicide or fantasizing about what a relief it would be to simply not exist any longer. If this is the case, you need to reach out for help immediately and consider checking yourself into a trusted institution until you know you are safe from thoughts of self-harm.

If you’ve found yourself in this article, please call me for a free consultation.  Not only can I help validate your condition, I can help heal it.  Please reach out.  My personal number is 918-853-7793.

What a Narcissist!

By Anna Raab, M.A. Counseling, BCN

In an age of ever-increasing drama and selfie centered lives, the word Narcissist is being heavily thrown around! But what is a Narcissist, really? Is every person with an inflated ego or posting a few too many selfies a Narcissist? No, they aren’t. Yes, some people with these traits may have narcissistic tendencies, but a person with true Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a different animal altogether.

I’ve chosen to write on this subject not only because of some of the over-use of the term, but also because there may be someone reading this who really needs to know if their loved one suffers from this  (I would say they or their loved one but it’s doubtful a true Narcissist would ask themselves such an honest, insightful question).

True Narcissistic Personality Disorder is characterized by very predictable characteristics, behavior patterns, and background.  In my experience most people with NPD were raised in an environment where healthy ego development did not or could not occur, often because of recurring trauma. Because of their lack of healthy ego identity being formed, individuals with NPD actually have extremely fragile egos for which they are in constant need of garnishing what we call supply.

Supply is anything which gives the NPD individual a sense of being superior or more powerful than those around them.  Ironically, they are typically very outgoing, charismatic, likable, and even witty, but their jokes will often turn on you and you will find yourself being laughed at instead of laughed with. They may say very hurtful things and say they are just kidding, or they may gaslight you altogether.

Gaslighting is when someone with NPD deflects any attempt to communicate your pain with them by flat out denying the event happened, twisting the event, or figuring out how to blame you for their actions or simply firing off a dart that has nothing to do with your plea for communication or sympathy.  Gaslighting is the Narcissist’s go-to for protecting their wounded ego.

Because they cannot handle the thought of being wrong or questioned, they must retaliate by gaslighting you to protect the very fragile ego inside.  Narcissists will rarely apologize, or if they do you will find it is to keep you in their good graces as they are inevitably getting something from you that they need.

They are notoriously entitled and often expect to be treated in ways which they have not earned or deserve, many times expecting material endowments they have no real entitlement to but have no issues whatsoever receiving.

People with NPD thrive on making others feel small while inflating themselves. They will often lie or exaggerate the truth in order to secure their position in social first place.  You will often hear them making judgmental statements or making caustic remarks about others with no awareness of how cold, mean, or cruel they may be, and sometimes very subtly or covertly.

You see, those with NPD do not and often cannot feel empathy or compassion.  Interestingly, they may be able to mimic it or fake it very well, but it does not come from the heart and when backed in a corner their true motives will be unveiled, and oftentimes it is these individuals who get caught in very telling actions or lies that eventually they may not be able to escape.  At this point they will typically discard the individual or group and move to another place where they can practice their schemes once again.

My interest in writing about this subject is the very high chance that someone reading may have been or is deeply affected by a Narcissistic person.  Oftentimes, it is the most caring and empathic people who are preyed upon because they are most susceptible to being manipulated or give the NPD individual too much grace.

Grace is good, but giving grace to the NPD individual will be a black hole of never-ending investment into their wounded inner world, leaving the loved one feeling like nothing is ever good enough to earn their approval, or feeling like their feelings are never going to matter… because they won’t.  If you are suffering from an NPD relationship, please reach out for help and support.  There are people who truly care very deeply and want to help.

If you live in the Tulsa, OK, area and are interested in learning how neurofeedback can help a loved one with narcissism, click here.

ADHD

By Anna Raab, M.A. Counseling, BCN

New Year’s Resolution: FOCUS. GET ORGANIZED. FINISH PROJECTS. MASTER TO-DO LISTS. LISTEN BETTER…

“BUT I JUST CAN’T!!!  EVERY YEAR I FAIL… I FEEL LIKE SUCH A FAILURE.  I KNOW I’M SMART; I HAVE THE IDEAS AND THE KNOW-HOW… I JUST CAN’T FULFILL MY POTENTIAL!!”

IF THIS IS YOU, OR SOMEONE YOU LOVE, KEEP READING!!!!

There is a REASON you struggle.  It’s not because you are lazy, unintelligent, or not capable.  I have treated so many extremely intelligent people who have carried the burden of ATTENTION ISSUES for years.  Most often, the burden of carrying the extra struggle, no matter how accomplished they are, has also led to a certain amount of depression or anxiety, which is usually what brings them to my office.  After doing an electrical reading of their brain we find the foundational issue is actually a traffic jam of brain wave activity.  The frontal lobe is full of excessive slow wave activity and often not enough of the fast processing waves.

The frontal lobe is responsible for our higher executive function, and when there is a traffic problem with brain wave activity not flowing as it should, untold frustrations can arise.  Attention, decision making, problem solving, memory, social awareness, motivation, planning, judgement, emotions, empathy, time management, and more can all be a huge struggle.  And it can have NOTHING to do with your desire to be better… it is a REAL issue.

I have seen so many people of all ages who have struggled with this invisible giant their whole lives, and then slowly but surely, they begin to feel their lives have become unmanageable.  Relationships have suffered, attempts at higher education have suffered or failed all together, they have stress disorders, they have emotional control issues… life is just so much harder than it needs to be, but it’s all they’ve ever known.

And, it’s not just adults.  Very often anxiety and depression are the presenting issues for children also.  Because these struggles can be masked by high intelligence and good coping skills it is not unusual for them to fly under the radar undetected.

Even if these issues have been identified and medications are employed, patients are often riddled with side effects and the aid of medication may only be enough to make the limp a little less apparent.  There’s nothing wrong with turning to medications for help, but often patients are left wanting and still feeling very incomplete.

Anyone can miss it.  I missed it myself in one of my own children.  It wasn’t until they had a traumatic accident that I began to do extensive work in their frontal lobe to help with the trauma and anxiety that ensued.  In doing so, I treated their attention disorder that I had not even detected.  They were always in the middle ground (but not loving) school, adored by teachers, happy at home… just a normal, delightful, energetic child.  However, the semester I treated them they went from average to outstanding in school.  I’m so thankful to say that as a result I had them tested last year and they are now in the gifted and talented class with all A’s, loving school.  Potential unveiled!

This may describe you or your loved one.  Does life seem harder than it should be?  Maybe it is.

If you live in the Tulsa, OK, area and are interested in learning how neurofeedback can help a loved one with ADD or ADHD, click here.

Best Kept Secret in Mental Health, Part 1

By Anna Raab, M.A. BCN, Abundant Living Neurofeedback and Counseling

Part 1: The Brain is an Electrical Organ

In this article I am going to begin to explain the mental health technology that literally saves lives.  With this tool I’ve been able to resolve suicidal depression, anxiety, ADHD and so much more.  I have been able to see healing where only the word treatment or coping had been used before.  I am so excited to explain what it is, how it works, and what it can help.

Most people are familiar with biofeedback, right?  With biofeedback a person can learn to control heart rate, body temperature, muscle tension, and other physiological process for which we are usually unaware. Well, with Neurofeedback we can actually learn to regulate our brain wave activity.  That’s right, our brain waves can be trained to normalize.

Most people aren’t even really aware of what our brain waves do, much less that they can misbehave.  But the reality is that our brain is an electro-chemical universe and the patterns of electrical activity have everything to do with our human existence and experience.  There is enough electricity in our brain in our waking moments to light up a small light bulb!  Our brain has an estimated 100 million Neurons and 100 trillion connections.  That’s a lot of traffic!  We are electrical beings!

All these neuron connections are carrying impulses of electrical activity ranging from very slow to very fast electrical currents.  These currents are measured in cycles per second called hertz.  From slow to fast these waves are called Delta, Theta, Alpha, Beta, and Gamma brainwaves.  In the waking state all types of activity are working together to accomplish all the tasks of brain processing.

I love metaphors and because I’m a musician I love this one.  Just like a chord of five notes resonates when certain notes are played, electrical patterns also seem to resonate best when in certain relationship to each other.  The reason a chord of notes resonates is because those notes are an exact ratio to another and hence those sound waves resonate and sound beautiful.

On the contrary, if we hit a sharp or a flat it can ruin the whole chord and we hear dissonance because a soundwave is “misbehaving” and is either too fast or too slow and creates discord with the other waves.

Something similar is true with brainwave activity. According to Neurofeedback research and databases that show normal brainwave activity in humans, brainwaves need to operate in a certain relationship to each other in order for optimal brain processing to occur.

When there is too much or too little of any type of electrical activity a type of disharmony can emerge and signals do not resonate and operate the way they need to for optimal effectiveness.  ADHD is a common disorder that has been shown to commonly have a theta to beta ratios that are too high, hence causing a slowing of the electrical traffic and causing symptoms.

Understanding the brain as an electrical organ is the first step in understanding true mental health. It’s not all in your head, but it is all in your brain.

Best Kept Secret in Mental Health, Part 2

By Anna Raab, M.A. MFT, BCN

Part 2:  Mapping the Electrical Universe

In my last article I began an introduction into the world of Neurofeedback by explaining the mechanisms of the brain as an electrical organ. I explained that the brain is an electro-chemical universe, and that in order for that universe to be in unison with itself, the different types of electrical waves must be in balance and in harmony with one another.  In this edition I will explain how we map this electrical universe and make meaning out of the patterns and complexities therein.

Brain Mapping begins with what is called a quantitative EEG or qEEG. This qEEG is taken by way of an electrode cap.   This cap is full of electrodes that can actually capture and transmit the electrical activity being emitted by the brain and through the scalp.

By use of conductive gel this electrical activity is picked up by the electrode sensors and sent to an amplifier that amplifies the signals and makes them readable and recordable by the computer software.  After recording 10 minutes of total activity, five minutes with eyes opened and five minutes with eyes closed, we are able to upload the recording to our database.

This database compares the electrical activity to the normative measures based on age, gender, and the location of the brain being recorded.  The final product is what is called a Brain Map.

The Brain Map then becomes a visible and easily readable representation of brainwave activity.  The map shows how much of each of the types of activity (from slow to fast) is present, the connectivity between hemispheres, the dominant frequencies of each of the types of waves, the left or right hemisphere dominance of the waves, and how in sync the waves are between hemispheres.  Basically, hundreds of variables of brain wave activity are represented in a Brain Map that can be read and explained by a highly qualified clinician.

I like to explain that reading a Brain Map is like reading a traffic map.  There is a lot of information represented that shows what is going on with the roads and highways of the brain.  The actual roads

and highways can be just fine. We aren’t looking for “brain damage.”  We are simply looking at electrical traffic, identifying where the traffic is not flowing properly, and proceed from there to correct the traffic.

One of the greatest values that I see in Brain Mapping is how it validates the mental struggle of individuals. I left my last article saying it’s not all in your head, but it IS all in your brain. I know so many people who have actually been told by practitioners that their problems are all in their head… how very cruel and judgmental to leave a patient feeling like they’ve merely conjured up all their issues.

How sad when clinicians don’t talk about the brain as an organ just as they would any other organ, like it is somehow different and able to be controlled if you just try hard enough.  This is simply not the case and a Brain Map can be one of the most validating experiences on a person’s mental health journey, as they can finally see the face of the invisible giant that has caused them or their loved ones so much frustration or pain.

Please look for my article in the next edition that will explain where we go from here.  I will explain exactly how we go about correcting the “traffic.”

Best Kept Secret in Mental Health, Part 3

By Anna Raab, M.A. MFT, BCN

Part 3:  Normalizing Brain Wave Activity

In my last article I explained how we “map the electrical universe.”  Through brain mapping, or creating the electrical traffic map, we are able to measure the brain’s electrical activity in order to assess abnormalities and how they are affecting the individual.  I also explained how therapeutic this can be for the individual as they are able to see that their issues are real and measurable.  In this article I am very excited to explain how these abnormalities are also treatable!

When I describe Neurofeedback and how it works, I like to use the metaphor of how we learn to ride a bike.  The brain is a learning machine and it is an adaptive organ.  So much of what we learn and repeat is based on what we get rewarded for, and as we learn we become more and more adaptive.  As you learn to ride a bike the feedback loop is almost exactly the same as how the brain learns to produce normalized brain wave activity.

On a bike you are consciously aware that you do not want to fall down right? Your brain, through a constant do this and don’t do that feedback loop, figures out (learns) what it’s doing to keep you upright and after multiple attempts memorizes (adapts) what it is doing and repeats all the complex processes required to keep your bicycle upright.

All the while, all you’re really thinking about and aware of is “I don’t want to fall down.”  Hence, while your brain is actively focused on that end, there are untold number of subconscious processes hard at work to keep you from falling over.  The brain learns and adapts and, voila, you’re riding a bike.  As the old saying goes, “you don’t ever forget how to ride a bike.”  In the same amazing way, with sufficient training, your brain can also learn to produce and permanently repeat normalized and more adaptive electrical functioning.

This kind of reward feedback (not falling over) is actually called operant conditioning in psychology.  Operant conditioning is a learning process through which the strength of a behavior is modified by reinforcement or punishment.

We basically learn to ride a bike by being rewarded for not falling down.  In the same way, Neurofeedback trains the brain to produce normalized brain wave activity by rewarding the brain for producing normal activity.  In our office this literally comes by way of watching a movie!  Yes, that’s correct, you can heal your brain by watching the movie of your choice.

All we have to do is put your brain in a position where it has to work to see the movie.  So, in this case, the reward is that while your brain is producing normalized activity it is rewarded with a bright full picture of your movie.  When brain wave activity is veering off in the wrong direction, you experience a very fast darkening of the screen, which of course for any modernized person, is like punishment.

In order for the client not become too frustrated by these interruptions, however (because many people ask), we set the training level so that each individual is getting an optimal and encouraging amount of reward while experiencing enough resistance to change and normalize brain wave activity.

And there you have it, just like that, your brain is on the road to recovery.

On this journey we will continue to take a closer look at how Neurofeedback operates, and the common types of abnormalities and resulting issues Neurofeedback works to resolve.

Best Kept Secret in Mental Health, Part 4

By Anna Raab, M.A. Counseling, BCN

In my last three articles I’ve been able to explain some of the key aspects of Neurofeedback Therapy.  I’ve brought to the forefront that the brain is electrical, that brain wave balance is at the foundation of mental health, how brain wave activity can be mapped, and the basic concepts of how Neurofeedback can normalize brain wave activity to lead to reduction or resolution of mental health issues.

In this edition I would like to use the foundation of what I have explained and now begin to apply it to specific mental health issues that Neurofeedback can help resolve. I will begin with one of the most well researched applications of Neurofeedback which is ADHD.

ADHD is marked by failure to pay close attention, making careless mistakes, poor listening, lack of follow through, inability to sustain attention, misplacing items, being easily distracted, having difficulty filtering out external stimuli, and forgetfulness. Hyperactive symptoms include fidgeting, roaming around, restlessness, loud or obnoxious behavior, being driven as with a motor, and excessive speech.  In addition, some individuals may also have symptoms of impulsivity which include speaking before thinking, impatience, interrupting, and intrusive behaviors.

There is much debate about ADHD, whether it is over-diagnosed, if it is just a “boy-thing” that will be outgrown, or if it’s the inevitable outcome of asking kids to sit still for hours on end.  All of these thoughts are valid and understandably confusing.  From my vantage point as a Neuro-therapist, however, I can definitively say ADHD is clearly illustrated in client brain maps and has very real signatures of abnormal brain wave activity which I have seen consistently in hundreds of client maps, and has been well documented in QEEG research.

As I explained in part 2, the brain map illustrates brain wave activity in the cerebral cortex (the outer layer of the brain) a little bit like a traffic map.  All the major types of brain wave activity are shown in terms of how the client map compares to a person with no abnormal symptoms.

One of the major measurements included in the map is called “magnitude” and demonstrates how much of each type of activity is present in the individual and whether they have too much or too little in any of the measured locations.  Without exception, individuals with ADHD produce too much slow (delta and/or theta) activity in the frontal and sometimes temporal regions of the brain.

This excessive slow wave activity begins to create what I call a traffic jam that can impede normal processing, specifically in the executive centers of the brain which control attention, cognitive inhibition, working memory, cognitive flexibility, reasoning, and problem solving.

Think of it like the larger, slower brain waves getting in the way of the more concentrated, faster processing transmissions.  This causes transmissions to be slower, or sometimes fall off completely, resulting in the very real and frustrating symptoms of ADHD.

In conclusion, as I explained in my last article, with Neurofeedback intervention the brain can be trained through operant conditioning feedback to normalize.  Hence, in the case of treating ADHD, overwhelming headway can be made to train the brain to reduce the production of slow wave activity and increase faster speeds so issues like focus, attention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity can become a thing of the past.

Grief: When the Unthinkable Happens

By Anna Raab, M.A., BCN, Abundant Living Neurofeedback and Counseling

This article is dedicated to the victims and survivors of the recent I-35 tragedy.

I write this with tears and a pure heart hoping to say something that will help give words of comfort to anyone who has or is experiencing the unthinkable.   I am a 41-year-old mother of a blended family with 5 children.  I drive a seven seat SUV that is constantly full of children.  When I told my husband about the tragedy on I 35 he immediately got sick.  It could have been us.  It is a nightmare beyond nightmares.  It is beyond comprehension, so it is with deep respect and overwhelming empathy that I write and dedicate this article to those personally affected by this tragedy.

As I have prayerfully considered what to say, my friend Karen recently posted about the grief of her father’s loss.  It resonated so powerfully that I asked permission to quote her.

I remember crying until I was physically sick.  Feeling like my heart was going to burst out of my chest… hoping it would so I could just get the indescribable pain out of me.  And anger… much of it misplaced.  In the blurry days that followed, I so often wanted to scream, ‘YOU DON’T KNOW HOW THIS FEELS, QUIT TRYING TO COMFORT ME,’ even though I deeply needed every single word of comfort I received.  I didn’t think I would ever stop feeling anything other than mind-numbing pain.  And here’s the thing, the pain didn’t stop. I got stronger.  I learned to cope.  This is what I now know to be true:  You have to open yourself up to the people who refuse to let the darkness consume you.

Karen, thank you for your vulnerability and honesty.  The truth is, the pain never stops with losses like these, it only gets bearable as we allow others to love us and help carry our pain.

When the wounds of tragedy are so fresh and deep for those we love, we fear saying anything and yet, we fear saying nothing at all.  When the unthinkable happens, we desperately want to help but often worry about doing or saying the wrong thing.  However, in times like these people desperately need to know that we care, even though they may also feel that no one could ever care enough; no one could possibly understand their grief and unrelenting pain.  In many cases they are right, especially in cases like these. All we can do is love unconditionally, without questions, without expectations, and long past the aftermath.

If you are one of those personally affected by this recent tragedy, please know you are loved beyond what you could ever know. Thousands who you will never meet have wept with you.  Our hearts break with you and we pray for peace that surpasses knowledge to consume you as you grieve.  We hold our own closer and love deeper in honor of you.

For help finding grief assistance in your area please call 918-933-4455.